What’s new in stores and on video shelves this week
Directed by Douglas Aarniokoski
Run time 84 minutes
The Lowdown Lurid, bloody and over the top, the gonzo genre goodness of "Nurse" sweeps you up in its pulpy glory and refuses to let go until you admit that Paz de la Huerta’s psychotic creation is the hottest, most unnatural character ever to be beamed down from space or whatever unholy parallel universe spawned her.
This isn’t just a B-movie.
This is like the fulfillment of a B-movie prophecy that foretold of the arrival of a steamy, softcore succubus who would burn up the world just for fun.
It’s like Zalman King and Robert Rodriguez decided to team up to make a warped version of a tawdry, late-night Skinemax thriller, only better, bloodier and with a wicked curl of its freshly painted red lips.
It’s so good we immediately watched it again, just to confirm how much we loved it.
The high-definition 3D works well, although it’s an unnecessary gimmick, and thankfully not an obtrusive one.
The truth is "Nurse" doesn’t need anything other than de la Huerta – she’s special effect enough, her odd, androgynous features and wanton, brazen sexuality plucking tingles from deep down in your stomach in places where decent, honest, moralistic folks rarely acknowledge.
Go, go now and find this movie.
You can thank me later after you recover.
The Stuff You Care About
Hot chicks – Paz de la Huerta is strangely, uncomfortably, disturbingly hot, and we like it.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – Yes.
Drug use – Yes.
Bad Guys/Killers – The candy striper did it.
Buy/Rent – Buy it.
Blu-Ray Bonus Features – Director’s commentary, Video Diaries and the documentary, "Bad Medicine" The Making of Nurse."
Grudge Match (Warner Bros., 113 minutes, PG-13, Blu-Ray) Funnier than it should be and more enjoyable than expected, "Grudge Match" scores one for nostalgia in pitting Sylvester Stallone and Robert DeNiro against each other in a boxing ring, but it’s really Alan Arkin and Kevin Hart’s movie to steal as the comedic sidekicks and they both register decisive KOs.
The Hobbit The Desolation of Smaug 3D (Warner Bros., 161 minutes, PG-13, Blu-Ray): Look, I know, it’s OK to admit – most of us didn’t love the first film in "The Hobbit" trilogy. It felt bloated and leaden, like a three-hour movie soaked in water and left in a heavy, wet clump on the floor. The dwarves all blended together. The action seemed forced, a sizzle reel for a planned theme park excursion instead of an organic extension of the plot.
Never mind all that. Put it aside. Because "The Desolation of Smaug" is the real deal. It’s ridiculously entertaining, rollicking along with a playful wink but still fraught with tension and – even at three hours long – unexpectedly brisk in moving Bilbo and Co. along their journey to reclaim a kingdom and steal from a dragon. And what a creation Smaug is, likely the best dragon ever designed for a feature film.
Peter Jackson’s film only falters when it tries to do too much, and sadly most of those moments involve Legolas, particularly one over-the-top fight scene where Orlando Bloom literally morphs into a combination of Neo and Superman in single-handedly dispatching a band of Orcs. It’s just too much and unnecessary.
But those moments are brief and far between.
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